Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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