Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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