ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
