is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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