don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Drake has all the answers
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
