Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
