I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
