Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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