if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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