and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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