Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
