ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
