just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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