My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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