Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Who died my cat blue again?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
