she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
