all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
