4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
