Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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