I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
