Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
