you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
