great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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