So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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