Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
