Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize