I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize