My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize