he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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