like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
where are my eyebrows?
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