I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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