Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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