was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have post one night stand depression
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
