He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
