Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
