Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
