a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I would ride that face into the sunset
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
