$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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