When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
