apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I need moral support for this bender
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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