What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
