like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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