this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
