I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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