the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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