Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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