The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
