I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
