Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Randomize
