: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
babies were throwing up all over the place
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
