i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize