Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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