Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
