Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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