my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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