he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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