"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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