She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
