I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
